June 26, 2003

cranky hot pants

file under: my life

we're having a heat wave, san-francisco style - it's been hot here for a record-shattering two days, and the fog has actually been vanquished to its rightful place over the ocean. i'm sure we're incurring bad weather karma here, and will pay at some point, but i'm enjoying it. it's nice to go out without the security blanket of three extra layers (you know, just in case the temperature drops by 45 degrees within 12 seconds of sunset).

apparently, though, this heat comes with another price...

...

in the past day, i've had two people muse aloud about potential heat-related crime increases in san francisco. these musings were both accompanied by overt or implied references to a spike lee movie i have not seen, wherein characters experience the heat-induced crankiness of brooklyn gangstas and housewives. or something.

anyway, my point is that heat seems to make a lot of people cranky. while i'm not unsympathetic to people's malaise, i don't get the whole crime thing.

does heat really drive people over that lawless edge? or is it just a convenient excuse for poseur felons who need an excuse? after all, what self-respecting lawbreaker would resort to saying 'i was really hot and sweaty, your honor, and i just couldn't take it anymore...i had to mug that old lady.'

what about the cold? is there is corresponding increase in crime when it gets really cold? maybe there's just an increase in criminal feelings, because it's too damn cold to actually go outside and act on them.

it reminds me of statistics that are often quoted regarding the general increase in crime when there's a full moon. many people used to say this had to do with lycanthropy or related lunar myths blah blah blah, when in fact, cops have said it just happens because perps can see what they want to steal, break, or hurt more easily...

maybe the whole heat thing is the same. it's all just a big lie. heat-related crime is all about people breaking into rich folks air-conditioned houses. they don't want the stuff - they just want to chill out for awhile.

so just remember, if it's over 80 degrees during the day, make sure to lock your doors at night, especially if you've got air conditioning. the bad guys can hear those AC units whirring and groaning outside your house - they know you're cool in there...

Posted: 06.26.03 at 5:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

June 5, 2003

evite-isms

file under: thoughts about things

an evite arrives in your (e)mail, and there it is — that feeling of excitement and anticipation. what's the occasion? who's going? what evite design template did they use, the martini glass or the signs of the zodiac?

and then you click the evite, heart aflutter, and it opens, and suddenly you remember...the people who sent this evite actually expect you to respond.

...

there's so little room to respond, maybe only a sentence — 50 or so little characters. and with only this tiny canvas on which to paint, you, the invitee, are putting your wit and character on display for all to see.

people seem to take different approaches:

• the witty non-sequitur: a totally random remark designed to demonstrate flair and bravado...i can never pull this one off.
• the easy way out: that's right. some folks just don't say anything...which makes you wonder — do they have anything to say? will they really contribute to the party?
• the rapier wit: a one-liner that will either make you smile broadly, snicker, or perhaps even guffaw. people who can pull this off usually set the stage for a competition between those who want to seem witty (and there's nothing wrong with that).
• the informational response: "wouldn't miss it" or "looking forward to seeing you guys!". these people are confident, and don't feel compelled to show off. either that, or they're just boring.
• the linguistic cop out: i've used this one before...i just say something like "[insert witty remark here]", which might be seen as cleverly self-referential in its approach to witticism, but would ultimately reveal itslef to be thoroughly banal and unimaginative, especially when repeated across multiple evites which many have seen ("there he goes, using that dumb phrase again — it was only borderline-funny the first time").

i find myself torn. i was staring at an evite last night, trying to be witty, without looking like i was trying too hard to be witty, and then worrying that what i was saying was not really funny at all. i wasted too many precious seconds of my life on that evite. i think next time, if something amusing comes to mind within 5 seconds, i'll write it down. otherwise, i'll take the easy way out.

but what will people think?

Posted: 06.05.03 at 7:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)