December 27, 2002

aL's 2003

file under: thoughts about things

aLan yost is a name you should remember. he will be famous someday. in case his web site isn't proof enough, we now have his 2003 calendar to remove any and all doubt as to his comic and artistic genius.

send accolades. send unmitigated joy. send checks. he deserves it.

Posted: 12.27.02 at 5:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

December 18, 2002

the superfluous gift

file under: thoughts about things

the giving of gifts is not exactly my strength. for certain people, i do just fine. for others (like my parents), i just wind up feeling a bit like sisyphus - the shopping rock keeps going up the mountain, but it always comes back down.

today was a case in point - a gift exchange with cherished friends, in fact with some of the only people with whom i do go through the gift ritual. a time of joy, a moment to reflect on our friendship and to bask in the glow of shared affection.

until the wrapping comes off, that is...

...

"oh no!"

i did it again. i bought them something they already have. i did this for my friend's birthday just a few months ago, and now i've done it again with his wife for christmas (i punted on his gift for christmas, going the gift certificate route - i didn't want to commit the same gaffe with him twice).

it's not as bad as the patently unwanted gift ("ooh look, dear!!! one of those ninja chipmunks that sings! let's put it somewhere prominent, like the bottom of the well you're digging in our backyard this weekend!"). on the receiving end for these sorts of gifts, one can't help but think, "what is it about me that made you think i would like this?"

it's not quite that bad. i mean, i got them something they already had, which meant they wanted it at some point. there's no way i could have or should have known they had already scratched that particular itch. and yet somehow, there' that feeling that i should have been telepathic.

that's it!! i need the "gift telepathy helmet" (i think the sharper image sells them - a hot item, from what i understand). put it on, and immediately divine the perfect gift for that special someone, for the dad who already has enough "creative" ties and monogrammed golf tees, or for the mom who says that all she wants is some nice new trivets for the kitchen.

if only it were that easy...

Posted: 12.18.02 at 5:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

December 17, 2002

fear and control

file under: thoughts about things

in this writer's opinion, a scared populace is one that is relatively easier to control. people unite in many things, and fear is, unfortunately, one of them. the people of the united states, for better or for worse, seem gripped by fear these days, and it may be our undoing.

...

in michael moore's incisive documentary bowling for columbine, he posits that one of the reasons americans are so obsessed with guns is because of a collective sense of fear that we have developed. we fled british oppression to ostensibly establish a colony/country/place where people could believe what they wanted to believe, without fear of reprisal - a noble ideal. and yet from the first days we arrived on these shores, fear has been a part of our lives.

moore argued, rather compellingly, that it began with the indians. we took care of that, more or less, and once we had rid ourselves of these fearful 'outsiders,' we began to pursue the practice of slavery, in contrast with our ideals about an egalitarian society. at some point, a split appeared between those who felt this was morally wrong, and those who felt it just. war ensued, along with a (moderate) rise in power among those who had been oppressed. some people now had reason to fear the black masses they had trodden upon for so long. and on things went...

world wars with ferocious dictators. internal unrest, followed by a seemingly triumphant civil rights movement. and then a cold war between the US and communist foes across the ocean. it seemed that we always had something to be afraid of, and today is no different, if one is to believe the media.

the news is now disproportionately splattered with images and thoughts that engender fear - murderous rampages by gun-toting teenagers or postal workers, nameless black criminals prowling and preying in the streets of inner cities, flesh-eating bacterial plagues finding their way from across the sea, killer bees, defective consumer products, poisoned halloween candy...you name it.

and the fears du jour? terrorists. and ruthless dictators bent on US destruction. and smallpox. and showers of ballistic missiles from north korea or iraq or some other 'rogue' nation that wants to see our dreams lie in ashes.

do you believe all of these things? do you believe that the threat of smallpox is greater than that of not educating our children properly? or of taking care of our elderly? or of doing what we can to combat starvation in the world? do you think the US government should spend billions on a ballistic missile defense system whose chances of success are, at best, circumspect? do you believe you should forfeit your civil liberties to allow our government to stick their noses into your personal life in pursuit of potential threats to 'homeland security'?

i'm just asking questions. i'm not saying you should or shouldn't believe in any of these things. i'm just suggesting that we might be better off if we took a big step back from the rhetoric of a president who is, from my perspective, trying to gain control of the world's oil supply and secure himself a second term in office.

and if you think i write these words lightly, consider that what i have written has probably now been flagged as worthy of further inspection by echelon or some other homeland security monitoring system.

FDR was right. the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Posted: 12.17.02 at 6:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

December 11, 2002

christmas card re-tread

file under: thoughts about things

what i said last year applies equally well today. no need to rehash, so i'll just re-tread.

Posted: 12.11.02 at 5:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

December 10, 2002

seeking da vinci

file under: technology

job descriptions keep getting better and better. i wonder, do companies realize what they're asking for, or are crack pipes just getting bigger these days?

the following job posting was placed on a yahoo group to which i subscribe (names changed to protect the innocent):

POSTING

The Developer Marketing Group at XYZWidgets is looking for an intern to assist in developing an important module of the XYZWidgets website. XYZWidgets is the company behind the uber Widget, one of the world's most successful small and ubiquitous devices.

Job Description

Superior writing skills, expertise in Dreamweaver, Shockwave Flash and html coding and creativity are of primary importance.

Responsibilities will include:

• Creating mock ups of the web site
• Developing content for the module and marketing collateral
• Conducting some market research to understand the needs of the developers and end users

Ideal candidate would possess:

• Expertise in html coding, Dreamweaver and Shockwave Flash.
• 2-3 years of experience in web site design
• Familiarity with Java Script
• Superior written and oral communication skills
• Ability to work effectively with team members of various disciplines
• Experience with my SQL a plus

Hours: 40 hours per week.
Compensation: Competitive and commensurate with experience.

END POSTING

...

site developers who do marketing (or marketing people who do site development). flash? everyone needs a little flash, especially for marketing. oh yeah, and the ability to develop superior content for marketing collateral. throw in a little market and user research. one last thing - a little mySQL development experience, so we can store all of that demographic data you're going to collect.

WOW. i like to think i've worked with a lot of highly talented people, but i've never met anyone who could (a) do all of these things both simultaneously and well, and (b) would be willing to do it as an 'intern.'

i used to wax philosophically about the challenges of balancing specialists and generalists, but thanks to the new, old, new economy, it looks like people are tapping the final frontier in skillsets - those who can do just about everything.

of course, about the only thing i wax these days is my car, but that's another discussion...

Posted: 12.10.02 at 11:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

December 9, 2002

the wave

file under: thoughts about things

it's a social nicety we are all familiar with, at least those of us who brave the urban streets in our modern chariots.

it's a small thing, really. some poor soul is trapped trying to merge, or caught at an intersection with no break in sight, and you pause to allow them to join the fray. you lose a precious five seconds in your act of kindness, causing blood pressure to inch up a few points, but you do it out of the goodness of your heart. after all, you would hope that someone would do the same, were they in your shoes.

in this not-so-humble writer's opinion, your courtesy should be acknowledged, not with flowers or fanfare, but with 'the wave.' the hand doesn't have to go out the window (unless obscured by tint) - it just needs to go up in the air, the barest notch above the gearshift will do just fine. a few calories expended to grease the social machine...

and yet, people don't seem to do it, at least, not all the time. this is where road rage is born, people.

occasionally there is the need for the reverse wave, too, where someone doesn't let you in, but by gum, you're going to merge anyway. you raise your hand to say, 'sorry...asshole move, and i know it...' it can be a risky proposition if someone honks and you raise your hand after the honk (it could be mistaken for a gesture involving the middle finger). i'm never sure what do do in these situations.

i won't overanalyze. just remember to do the wave the next time someone lets you in (or the next time you cut someone off - innocently, of course). at the risk of engaging in hyperbole (who me? hyperbole?), it's things like this that keep the fabric of our society intact.

Posted: 12.09.02 at 7:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

ikeatonic

file under: thoughts about things

ikea is like a casino that deals in (and often shatters) home furnishing dreams.

its stores are labyrinthine, designed to prevent easy escape, and impulse items await at every turn. i haven't seen the video surveillance cameras, but i know they're there, hidden above the björklund designer shelving units (easily complemented with expandable starkjowinterklung lighting inserts), or perhaps inside the hellström lamps. these cameras feed cables, which in turn feed black-and-white monitors; furniture pit bosses scrutinize dazed families of three as they careen from lighting into linens, through dishware and back again, in search of the perfect home improvement item.

it doesn't matter to ikea whether or not you fulfill your dreams, because you always leave the store with something, filling the coffers of some mysterious swedish furniture conglomerate in a land far, far away...

...

i'm not sure if, like casinos, they pump oxygen in to keep people awake, but if they don't, they should.

elaine and i barely escaped alive yesterday. our life energy was drained beyond reason, and we ultimately descended into that state i like to call 'ikeatonic,' which is close to catatonic, but has much greater potential to do harm to your pocketbook. you get to the point where you're so bewildered by accessorizing options that you just go for the low-hanging fruit, as it were. beaten down by the ikea machine, you succumb. the dialogue is familiar to any of us who've been through the maelstrom and back:

"ooh, look! groovy white plastic lamps for $12.95! it looks like something out of clockwork orange!"

"(thoughtful pause) well, yeah...but...it's $12.95!!!...and the bulbs are right here. it's all so convenient!"

we went through the store, top to bottom, even though we were only in search of three very specific items (coffee table, duvet cover and flannel sheets, lamps). it's funny how that happens at ikea - maybe there's something subliminal in the music.

anyway, we made our table selection quickly (tables are on the top floor, right next to couches...they lure you in with the relatively easy stuff first). with our confidence boosted, pick-up aisle noted, and our purchase satisfaction guaranteed, we allowed ourselves a diversion into the chairs section. i've been eyeing one of those poäng armchairs for some time...hmmm....(no. can't afford it. must not divert from primary mission).

no sooner had we ventured on than i got distracted again. cd storage was strategically placed near armchairs - they know what you're thinking (however far-fetched the connection). needless to say, we wasted about 15 minutes before i admitted defeat and moved on.

it just went downhill from there. linens. lighting. you name it. it was just one distraction after another, each promising to do something to your abode, although what, one cannot say...

after another hour of zombie-like meanderings, we eventually made it out to the gargantuan warehouse space where the self-service furniture pickup is located. we'd made some headway with smaller items throughout our journey, but the real payoff was coming - a new coffee table for elaine was waiting patiently in the stacks.

or was it? let's see here...aisle 5A...eksjö coffee table...oh yeah, there it is. as i pull it off the shelf, a feeling of triumph coursing through my veins, elaine utters words straight out of my worst shopping nightmare:

"hey, wait a minute. that's the eksjö side table...where's the coffee table???"

OUT OF STOCK.

sadness enveloped us like a winter storm in sweden, only there was no vodka waiting to lift our spirits (the cinnamon rolls and hot dogs by the checkout stand were a weak substitute).

oh well...it'll be easy enough to pick the coffee table up when i go back to return that home office accessory i couldn't live without (you know, the one that's too big for my desk?). but now i know the key...in through the out door, bypass the cinnamon rolls and hot dogs, and head straight for the self-service aisles.

i hope one of the pit bosses isn't watching...

Posted: 12.09.02 at 6:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

December 6, 2002

photo frenzy

file under: about this blog

finally, some new series of photos have been posted. those joshua tree photos were pretty old sand at this point, so now there's some stuff from france to check out.

blog entries to recap my adventures will follow shortly. i'll try to keep them brief (so let's see, i was there for 16 days, which is 16 entries, plus my general commentary about the french and their dogs, limited to 5 diatribes and 3 warm reminiscences, plus a little bit of french politics thrown in on the side...just kidding).

look for more photos of non-French subjects in the near future.

Posted: 12.06.02 at 2:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

December 2, 2002

typo on page two

file under: thoughts about things

copy editing is a thankless job. it's also one that oftens goes unnoticed, because when you've done your job properly, things don't necessarily look great, they just look...right. right?

people seem to notice mistakes, not the absence of them. when was the last time you saw someone slap a copy editor on the back and say, 'great job!'? you're probably more likely to hear someone say, 'are you done with that yet? we've got real work to do here, and you're kind of holding things up...'

why am i troubled by the plight of copy editors? well, i spent most of yesterday reading and re-reading an important proposal, searching for rusty needles in the haystack. the actual editor was in canada for the weekend, the document was due, and i'm ok with words. you can figure out the rest.

after more hours than i'd like to remember, we put the beast to bed, celebrated briefly, and then started printing. i left the office with a deep sense of satisfaction over a job well done...until i got home, that is.

...

it was only then that i remembered typos i hadn't corrected, and started worrying about all the other document gremlins that made themselves invisible to my prying editor's eyes.

while laying in bed, suffering through deliverable tremens, i decided there were at least three laws of copy editing worth remembering...

I. The Law of the Obvious Typo
Every document will contain at least one obvious typographical error. This error will be noticed by one of your colleagues, most likely one rarely referred to as 'eagle-eye.' They will casually glance at the document (after it has been printed, bound, and delivered, of course), and will say to you (the editor), 'oh, i noticed a typo on page two. not a big deal, really, but, gee...' after this discovery, you will notice that people in the office start making off-handed remarks about optometrists to you, and how craigslist has lots of great job listings these days.

II. The Law of Diminishing and Destructive Returns
The longer you edit a document, the less effective you become. at some point, entropy weaves its way into your brain, winds its way down your arm, and starts popping out through your fingertips like an alien ooze infection. you will start doubting even the simplest phrase, thinking that it isn't quite as compelling as it could be, or that it's about as clear as galois field theory. you will fix these apparent mistakes, impressed with your insight and attention to detail, and in doing so you will introduce even more typographical errors, which you must then catch on your next pass through. each subsequent read will lead to more errors and the need for more editing. you must stop at this point, hand the document to someone else, and go to sleep under your desk. failure to do so will result in complete meltdown (of both you and the document).

III. The Law of Asymptotic Editing
You will never be able to create a perfect document. Editing is like trudging along a literary hyperbola - you approach perfection asymptotically, but you never quite get there. At some point, you just stop editing (maybe at 99.9% correctness), and then you try to go on with your life knowing deep, deep inside that there's a comma splice or a run-on or (gasp) a misspelled word in something with your name on it. (note: any mistakes that are left in the document will be attributed to you, the editor, not to the author who actually made the mistake in the first place. you will need to live with this as well).

any resemblance between these laws and the three laws of thermodynamics is purely coincidental (and possible subconscious). in any case, if you ever have chance to work with a good copy editor, make sure to let them know that they are doing a competent, if unremarkable, job. they will go to their grave knowing that at least one person understood their plight.

Posted: 12.02.02 at 5:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)