September 26, 2002
hiatus
file under: about this blog
the dishes are washed, the plants watered, the newspaper held. i've performed my pre-vacation household ablutions, and can now leave with a clear conscience.
it's time for a two-week hiatus - i'll be gone until oct. 14, and will hopefully have many blog-worthy stories when i return.
a bientot!
Posted: 09.26.02 at 3:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
September 22, 2002
GO BIG Now!
file under: thoughts about things
you lose 100 hairs a day - stop the madness!
need a low-interest home mortgage? of course you do!
c'mon guys, women agree - Size DOES Matter! So GO BIG Now!!!
...
spam.
you hate it. i hate it. everyone hates it. i bet the people who do it even hate it.
and yet there it is. sullying the Inboxes of the world, clogging the networks, raining down like anti-manna from heaven. every day, the rain just gets heavier and heavier. our email addresses propagate like rabbits (or maybe pigeons), spreading from one junk marketing agency to the next, and the spam is soon to follow.
they have no shame. they will never stop. they will play on your physical and financial insecurities. they will ignore your gender (what, you're a woman? hey, you need a big penis, too!). opt out? nice try - those 'remove me from your f*ing email list' links never seem to work, do they? want to call someone in customer service to complain? riiiiiiight.
a recent favorite was the email spam for a new herbal penis enlargement medication - it guarantees that your John Thomas (and your parnter's satisfaction) will grow by at least 27% within 30 days (or your money back, of course). they lose money on every sale if your trouser snake doesn't turn into an Anaconda!!!
i went to the site. i wanted to see who was selling this stuff, and what their pitch was. it had to be better than the email, right? bzzzzt. about 5 minutes after clicking the email link, the page loads, and you're faced with a header the size of Montana that says:
NO GIMMICK....REAL SCIENCE!!!
maybe it's just me, but anyone who claims that something is no gimmick, and is based on real science, immediately proves the opposite. the picture of the geeky white guy in the lab coat, rubber gloves, and glasses, sitting intently at his computer? that didn't assuage my concerns one bit. i mean, the guy wasn't even wearing the right kind of safety goggles. really - if you're making stuff that causes penises to virtually explode to new dimensions, you'd be wearing the best safety goggles known to mankind, right?
the thing that really twists my noodle is that these things are obviously scams. it's not as if there's some sophisticated, charismatic huckster trying to woo you with silky promises. there's no mob psychology at work here, either. you can't really tell whether the guy next door is buying the penis enlarger stuff.
laws can't stop it. technology can sort of stop it, but only if you're on a PC, or if you don't mind sending your email through someone else's servers before it gets to you. it seems like the spammers are winning this battle, and there's no end in sight.
which reminds me, i got this email from a guy in Nigeria who's a former diplomat trying to flee oppression - all he has to do is transfer $435 million out of his bank account and into a nice, safe US account to make it happen. i don't think i can put that much money in my wells fargo account without raising an eyebrow or two - anybody want to help? it sounds legit.
Posted: 09.22.02 at 1:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
September 18, 2002
get your war on
file under: thoughts about things
subversive political propaganda seems particularly apropos these days, as the world stage starts to look like a bizarre hybrid of greek tragedy and monty python. for an often-caustic, always-irreverent, and darkly funny look at US political shenanigans and corporate misconduct, check out Get Your War On. make sure to visit some of the older pieces, particularly those involving Voltron and Enron.
this is not for the faint of heart. you have been warned.
Posted: 09.18.02 at 10:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
please press "0"
file under: thoughts about things
it has become progressively more difficult to speak to living, breathing human beings these days, at least when it comes to getting something that approaches customer service. it used to be that help was just a phone call away, but now your fingers just can't do the walking.
what specifically am i talking about? well, have you ever heard this phrase: 'if you'd like to speak to a customer service representative, please press "0". you will be connected to the next available agent. the current wait time is unavailable, but we suggest you go out for coffee. and maybe a bagel. thank you!'
...
i'm not ashamed to admit that i recently went on the dot.com dole. in my direst hour (all things are relative, of course), the Employment Development Department is there to help, and Uncle Sam just decided to loosen the purse strings, recognizing just how tough it is to keep oneself in cappucinos and BMWs these days.
the EDD has a Web site. you can sign up online. they have extensive help information. they give you almost everything you need without ever having to speak to anyone. they are the picture of efficiency when it comes to mailing your forms quickly and on time. there is, of course, the nerve-rattling phone interview where you have to honestly answer questions like 'are you willing and able to work full-time,' but this is a minor inconvenience.
everything is great, in fact, until the moment when pre-recorded help labyrinths and Web sites fail to give you the diamond in the rough you're searching for.
for example, i have a problem with my last claim. the machine-prepared help information on the form they sent me was not illuminating, to say the least. i called EDD several times (the phone numbers are scattered on every surface of paper they send to you), and have so far determined that they have two messages.
in the first, a woman apologizes profusely for the 'heavy call volume' (i.e., you're never going to speak with anyone), then proceeds to give a five-minute informational message, after which she tells you to call back later - goodbye.
in the second, a man leads you through some menu choices (menu options! i must be getting somewhere): 'for english, press "1"; if you are interested in an existing claim, press "1"; please enter your social security number; please enter your 4-digit PIN number; for a non-existentially challenged service agent, press "7"'. after navigating the telephone equivalent of scylla and charybdis, he finally informs you soberly, 'we're sorry - the maximum number of callers waiting for assistance has been exceeded. if you still need to speak to a customer service representative, please try your call again later. goodbye.' his voice is so sooothing, you almost forget to get mad. for about 12 microseconds, that is.
i'm beginning to think i might actually have to go to the local EDD office to try to speak with someone. incredible. but what would that get me? i'd have to wait in line for three hours. i could bring a little snack and a book, and perhaps a pillow to sleep, but what if i had to pee?
i think i know what i'm going to do next, but of course i couldn't publish my intentions in a public forum. if anyone has suggestions for how to get satisfaction, i'm all eyes.
Posted: 09.18.02 at 9:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)
September 17, 2002
icelandic pancake
file under: thoughts about things
last saturday, elaine made a pancake in the shape of iceland. we were cooking breakfast, and there it was, bold as day, staring at me from its warm place of rest on the griddle.
now, under normal circumstances, i wouldn't be able to make an assessment about the shape of iceland, or any other island country, for that matter. if the pancake in question had been born another day, i might have suspected it looked like bali, or perhaps one of the Hawaiian islands. maybe even one of the bahamas. i might have even just thought it was a tasty little pancake, ready to be drowned in butter and maple syrup.
but this particular pancake arrived at an auspicious time...
...
saturday followed last thursday, and last thursday, we went to see gus gus at Bimbo's 365 club in North Beach.
so why would a pancake remind me of gus gus, or vice versa? well, gus gus hails from iceland, and their latest CD, which i purchased two weeks ago, has some nifty artwork i admired that shows an outline of iceland sitting in the middle of a large red dot (buy the album - you'll see what i mean). so there you have it - the iceland-pancake connection.
i didn't really know what to expect from the show. a no-name act was opening, and i had no idea whether there would be a crush of gus gus fans swarming the club doors like visigoths at the gates of Rome. maybe gus gus was past its prime, and i, being a die hard fan, was the only one eagerly awaiting the show.
we got there just as the doors were opening, not to a gaggle of rabid fans, but to about six people yawning mildly - 'oh, they opened the doors? cool.'
concerned about the paltry seating at Bimbo's, we walked calmly (not wanting to appear too eager) in search of seats. we were faced with a sea of empty chairs and tables, their empty surfaces beckoning to be filled with posteriors, drinks, frivolity, and maybe band propaganda.
it was then that the first happy accident occurred. we were circling two tables like vultures, along with another couple, trying to decide which offered the best view, which had the right 'vibe.' we both settled on the same table, as it happens, and so decided to sit together (since all tables were for five). joy and kevin (and soon after, their friend Nikki) were just what the doctor ordered in terms of table mates - real, nice people. friendly, interesting, funny, the right side of kooky, and just the opposite of pretentious.
so, with cool companions in evidence, we were ready for the show. the opening act, balligomingo, came out shortly after 8pm - two women to sing, one shaved-bleached-blond-tattoed man to twiddle knobs, and the blandest video backdrop you could imagine (think blue, think 'balligomingo' in white text, and put them together). they could sing, they could stalk the stage, and they made nice music, but it was all just foreplay.
gus gus took the stage at 9:30pm, and from the first beat, we were enslaved. all songs save one came from their latest album (Attention), and without exception, they remixed the tracks so they sounded shiny and new. no need to blather. the lights were right, the beat was right, the video was right. the house had filled, and everyone swayed and bounced and joined the gus gus euphoria.
what more to say? great show and new friends to boot. next stop - amon tobin and dj food.
Posted: 09.17.02 at 7:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
September 10, 2002
awaken your shoes
file under: thoughts about things
aldo shoes has a new ad campaign. i got wind of the aldo revolution on the side of a bus. thank goodness, because otherwise i would have kept looking at shoes in the same old boring way - utilitarian devices we strap to our feet to fend off dookie, gum, glass, and perhaps to occasionally make a fashion statement...
...
the crux of the aldo campaign is as follows:
"Awaken. Imagine. Inspire. Connect...There's a world waiting for you to explore."
i suppose the last bit makes sense - shoes are the vehicles through which we can explore more of the world. now, while aldo probably doesn't provide us with hiking boots for himalayan adventures, it does certainly facilitate fashionable club outings, office envy, and perhaps even acts as that intangible element to tip the mating balance in our favor.
i'm not sure about awakenings, imagination, inspiration, or connection. maybe i'm just a troglodyte, but i fail to see how shoes, even well-designed chaussures, are a part of these higher endeavors.
the marketing machine clearly has other ideas, perhaps even some deeper vision that escapes me. either that, or they're just completely full of it.
Posted: 09.10.02 at 7:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)
